Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
