The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
