I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize