I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
