i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
