tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
