i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
