It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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