Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
