just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
