grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
