I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
