don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
