i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You took a bar mat shot.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
