can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she woke up with a sticky ear
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
