Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
