The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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