I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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