i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think my mom watched the whole time
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
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