Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
