when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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