I think im going to throw up on grandma
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
