I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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