38 yer olds are good kisserssss
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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