There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
im six kinds of drunk right now
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
