i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
