i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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