Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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