"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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