Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
