I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its not stalking. its research.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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