Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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