youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
