Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
