you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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