I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
