I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize