I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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