I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
don't judge my taste in strippers
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize