i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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