C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
