They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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