Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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