i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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