i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
