i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
