Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize