Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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