I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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