I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
