if i can run in heels then i can drive
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
