Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
