If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
