I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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