Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
