when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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