theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize