At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
