Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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