stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
