It's like God shit irony all over that family
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
