I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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