so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
