I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize