Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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