Swine flu is the new snow day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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